Friday, October 31, 2014

Fagerboozle's Story



Happy Halloween everyone! Now I hope everyone has some plans some way or another tonight to enjoy this night for what it is. That being having some sort of fun in a way different than one normally does. So when I was looking through some Halloween type Reader Posts for this week. I came across one which reminded me of a story which first appear back on the WoW forums back in 2005 by someone named Fagerboozle. So I then thought why not share the story with those who may remember it or those who have yet to read it so here it is.

"It makes me look fat."

"Aww punkin' it does not! You look GREAT!" Inwardly, Fa9erboozle sighed. He had hunted for days to find just the right costume, and now, he practically had to stuff Mackey into it. Not that he was complaining, per se -- she stuffed very nicely -- but he could tell by the querulous tone in her voice that this was just the beginning of the complaints.

"It itches me," Mackey pouted. Complaint number two.

"So, do what I do! Scratch!" And with that, Fa9erboozle raked his fingers over one armpit, and then the other, sighing with itch-free relief. He had just reached down to address a pesky new itch on his left cheek, when a chilly glare from Mackey brought him up short. "What?"

"It's not polite to scratch in public," she replied, crisply, flipping her long auburn hair back over her shoulder. The gesture had an interesting effect on her pirate's blouse, which threatened at any moment to spill her bosom out of the front.

Fa9erboozle stood mesmerized for several seconds, before shaking off the effect. "You said the same thing about belching! What am I supposed t'do with all those lovely beer bubbles? Fart 'em?"

"That's impolite, too," replied Mackey with a sniff. She tugged helplessly at the gap in her blouse, trying to shift it into a more modest arrangement.

"I knew you were gonna say that!"

"Well it IS," Mackey snapped. "And could you have possibly gotten a smaller costume? Because I can still breathe a little in this one!" There it was, complaint number three. Thank the gods! That meant they could probably go another hour before she complained about it, again.

Fa9erboozle snorted, "No breathin', no !@#$%in," he muttered. Too late, he clamped a hand over his mouth. Maybe she hadn't caught it. Seconds crept by with agonizing slowness. Then, retribution fell as Mackey's open palm smacked the back of Fa9erboozle's head. While humans weren't exactly the fine, physical specimens that dwarves were, that girl could pack a whallop!

"AAOOWW! What'd you do that for?"

"'No breathin', no ^-*!@in,'" echoed Mackey. "That ring any bells?"

"I didn't say that! I said..." Fa9erboozle's mind scrambled for something plausible, "... I said I liked breedin' and fishin'!"

Mackey rolled her eyes at him with a sigh, "Come on, get into your costume! we're going to be late."

"Are you SURE we're going the right way?"

"Of course I am! I've been taking this shortcut for umpteen years!" Fa9erboozle turned the map a third time, muttering as he did.

Their mounts trotted along, side by side, down the road. Fa9erboozle couldn't help but notice as Mackey periodically stole a stealthy scratch here and there, when she felt no one was looking. She also sent many curious glances in his direction.

"So... what are you supposed to be, again?" she finally asked.

"Tailor said it's some god 'er another. Very popular costume, he says."

"You look like a hairy baby with wings and a crossbow." Mackey looked skeptical. "What kind of a god do you suppose THAT might be?"

"The p-patron god of hairy-babies-with-crossbows, I suppose!" blustered the dwarf.

"Right..." An uncomfortable silence stretched over several minutes. "So... shouldn't we be to Stormwind by now? It's getting dark...."

"We're almost there!" Fa9erboozle snapped.

"I'm just sayin' that it's getting dark! We've been on the road for over six hours now. Maybe we should..."

"No."

"Y'know, stop and..."

"No."

"Ask someone for..."

"NO!"

"...directions."

"No-no-no! No stopping! No directions!" howled Fa9erboozle. "I know exactly where I am!" Beside him, Mackey rolled her eyes again, but remained quiet.

*****

"See? THERE it is!" said Fa9erboozle, triumphantly. It was full dark, and he had to squint, but he could make out the line of the massive walls of Stormwind against the moonless night sky.

Beside him, Mackey peered into the gloom. "Doesn't it seem a little... dark? And what's with all this creepy green mist everywhere?"

"Honey," replied Fa9erboozle patiently, "It's Hallows End! They've DECORATED! See?" Fa9erboozle pointed to the glint of Jack-o-lanterns along the ramparts. And over there is Goldshire. All lights and festivities there!" Several party-goers had spotted the pair and were teetering drunkenly their way.

"Um...what's THAT?" Mackey pointed to a huge, dark shape in the sky.

"Sweetie, that's a Zeppelin." He realized, belatedly, how patronizing he sounded. He'd likely end up paying for that. Right now, though, all he wanted to do was wrap himself around a few beers and some nice roast mutton!

"When did we get Zeppelins in Goldshire?"

"We don't," replied Fa9erboozle as he nudged his goat toward the brightly lit town. He stopped when he realized that Mackey hadn't moved. And then, realization ran down his spine like icewater. We don't!

By then, several townspeople had arranged themselves in a semicircle around the human and dwarf. Fa9erboozle realized that their shambling gait had nothing to do with alcohol. He winced.

"Nice hairy-baby-with-a-crossbow costume," one particularly rancid townsman observed. "Yer girlfriend could do with losing a few pounds though."

Fa9erboozle dropped his face into his cupped hands as he heard Mackey's sharp intake of breath. This was going to get ugly.

"A few pounds? A few POUNDS?!" Mackey's voice was starting to travel the scale. Pretty soon, only dogs would hear her. Most people feared Mackey for her ability to lay into a fella with a pair of swords and a hellcat fury. They didn't know the half of it. Try shrinking her favorite dress in the wash. Fa9erboozle swore that the gates of Hell itself were hidden somewhere behind that woman's teeth. He gripped the pommel of his saddle, and started praying.

"I TOLD you! Didn't I tell you??" Mackey paused long enough to address the townspeople, "I told him this made me look fat, but he never listens!" She stabbed an accusatory finger at the dwarf, "Fa9erboozle JONES," screeched Mackey, "if we get out of this alive, you will NEVER hear the end of it! Do you hear me? NEVER! I'll tell mom, and after I tell her, I'll tell YOUR mother! and then..."

Mackey's steady stream of threats and invective became a surreal buzz in the bleak background of Fa9erboozle's thoughts: death was looking mighty good right now. He was startled by a scrabbly hand gently patting his shoulder.

"Shield n' Hearth, mate," rasped the townsman. "I seen you guys do it all the time."

"What about you?" muttered Fa9erboozle. "Soon as I'm gone, she'll turn on you like a wild worg."

The townsman approximated a shrug. "We're dead already. What could possibly be worse?"

Fa9erboozle winced as he warmed up the hearthstone in his hand. 

There it is. Still as great as the time I first read it. Happy Halloween and enjoy your weekend!

1 comment:

  1. I remember this! Thanks for sharing it has been a long time

    ReplyDelete